Paper pin-up loser

"i'm the coolest thing since kool-aid." 
"jellybabies!"
"omg. the jelly mama and the jelly papa had sex"
"..."

it's the same ceiling, still the same ceiling
just a year older that's all.
i'm back here wondering if you were worth my while
worth the tears, the mockery, the pictures
in a box i'm ready to burn.
and it scares me to know i'll never see you the same-
i won't dream the same, won't jump the same, won't verbalize the same
and i will never;
ever play it over again like i used to
when i used to love you.



ignore the video visuals; grey's.

(#)marielle(#)says:
when you love somebody, you'd keep calling till the call is answered.
even if it costs you forty-five hundred aussie dollars to explain your heart
and if it still doesn't poke the person the slightest bit, you just call again
that's what love is

Friends can make you feel like the best person alive;
but friends can make you feel like the shittiest dirtbag around too.

Have you ever had someone look you past the eye sockets, and straight into the dells of your hollow head; holding you firm in to the ground and told you that there's sunshine in your hair and that you're his best bet on happiness? When the stars are pushed to their limits, and feelings fall in and over every cringe of the brow while tears slip off your cheekbones. Love was never meant to be safe or serene, sensible or familiar. That's just whatever makes you feel good. Not love.

You can stop caring donkeys about me and I would just sit here 
honest.
Consolation: I think you're an awful fuck just like all the lies you told. 
I never loved you, you can go. 

3 hours of mugging for the CAs, chocolate and mango cake

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SASA
I LOVE YOU HUNNAYE

The boy of ten in the front of the bus
shorts lint-littered; readind his justice league 
as I unplait my hair after school
The boy of twelve in the front of the bus
hair messy; shirt stained from the soccer game
as I read my Jane Austen
The boy of fourteen in the front of the bus
music plugged into sun burnt ears; eyes glazed
as I fumble through my school bag
You're coherrently beautiful, when the sun hits your hair
The boy of sixteen in the front of the bus
with a girl, the kind of girl every boy wants to suck up to
she's lying on your shoulder and a smug look on your face
as I watch the streets turn to buildings
and a year later when the boy of seventeen you are
you're alone again; girl-wonder's gone
and your mind seems far
The boy of eighteen in the front of the bus
head shaved, stark in the moss green uniform
as I silently say good luck 
Two years pass when the front seat of the bus is empty
and I wish that you were there, I wish that you would come back
The boy of twenty, but you're no more a boy-
you've become a man.
I take my things and press the bell
you look up as I pass you by; I swear I could've died
then you look down again; I swear I could've cried
because-
to the boy in the front of the bus 
for the past ten years; though you didn't see me
i have seen you
but for today, it will be the last time i can ever say
the boy in the front of the bus; i love you
because-
i'll be going my seperate way.

Welcome to TKG Special school for people with special needs 

Surprised me outside my school with flowers and a balloon; and now everyone's wishing they had a boyfriend just like you. Order-in's for dinner, tv math and sitting on the front porch because mommy says we can't be alone inside. I'm just glad you're back; and not on a webcam.

Hello world. I love my boyfriend. He writes me letters on thin paper (omg so old school right). Calls me everyday and suffices my hopeless romantic nature. And even if you're a gazillion miles away, I love you :/

You know you're pathetic when you're walking by the esplanade bridge with your friend and he sees his friends sitting under the bridge and they see him and they start thinking you're his girlfriend and calling out- EHH. GIRLFRIEND AH. And what's more pathetic? Is when you two look at each other and laugh hysterically because your sides hurt from already laughing so much but you can't help it because you're questioning "Do they really think we're a couple? Oh right, we're at the esplanade on a saturday night.'' And what's even worse, is that you're both attached to somebody else whole over not in the picture when people make assumptions. So- I spent Saturday night at the esplanade with Kenny. Because boyfriend is in japan, church friends were at a meeting, other people not so 'available like you' on saturdaynights. Intention was to go for dinner, but usally we just end up walking. Sat by the bridge, watching couples walk by and trying to figure out what the couple's love story was. "MARRIED! surely." "NO. dating."- "OMG. guy is trying to get girl but girl not that interested." hahahhahahah. and we finally conclude that indian bollywood nanana music mellows me down from the usual "sexuuaaaall thrill. FAMILY GUY. hahahhaha" person i can be. Goodbye was- I think we're the coolest pair of friends, ever. 

Note to self: you lack pictures. go charge your camera

It's nice to see you on the screen at night, but I'd really rather you here with me.

 
If first impressions count, you should really hear what they think about you.

Just like a star across my sky, with your offhand humour and gratified eyes
this is almost empty; it turns au fait. Please stay by my side.
I need a new night sky, something that isn't so narrated- so black
maybe I just need you back.

It is sunday morning and the radio's playing sunday morning. Hahahahaha. Ok, I find that amusing because- yeah you get my point why it's amusing. I'm starting to make friends with the shadows on my walls. I'm pathetic. Loser, really. haahahhahahahahahaa

St. Pat's band concert tonight with Sonny, jan, nikki, aldie, two other girls i can't remember the names of and a buncha patricians who screamed 'Ian!!' alot. Favourite song was the selected grease medley thingmajig. Met clifford and realised he's grown taller than me again! (and here you go: but the whole world is taller than you) Whatever. I'm still growing. Better be. Walked aimlessly after the concert with boys in skinny jeans and cigarettes (the only description i can think of) ended up at funan macs. Was thinking of meeting Kristian in town, before he goes into the army, souuuljaaaa (blond) boyyy. but he had some feel-good event and so i went home.

"i believe in green."
"greenie."
"i believe in freaks."
"...freakie. hahahahhahahahahhahahahaha"

Your song on a soft sunday radio;
a smile so candid, it's beautifully mild
but you don't know the wonders done
you don't
you don't
to you, i'm just alot of fun.

KT Tunstall with Colleen. Awesomest live performance I've been to, really.
Jumping around and dancing, watching two old fogeys do their disco thang

Something Good

After a torrential night of misplaced emotion;
I've found solace in your arms. 

I saw you today, and this helpless feeling encapsuled me/ran up the hill to your house and found you standing outside, waiting/you pulled /me into a hug and I closed my eyes/I knew you had my back all the time /We held hands, you sat with me on the bus, and slipped me a note/and when I start to see the little things you do/You're the sweetest boyfriend in the world
I really did, still really do;
love you.

Racing down the streets we once knew
screaming the songs we both memorize so well
eyes both gleaming with fear and excitement 
of what might happen tomorrow, at the next turn
I had my chance, and I passed it up
you gave in and she played her part-
and you've got your queen now.

I don't blame you at all.

The trees still hum your tune, the water still washes your song
you were patient, perfect; the boy who waited so long.
Snowdrops, photographs, a fairytale-end
When I broke, you'd be the one to bend.
that late November afternoon, watching you move
we splashed in the sea,  I wished you'd notice me
Then came December when you looked me in the eyes;
kissed me, and took me by surprise.

Bottle your sweet scent from last year. 

But it's over, forgotten somehow
I can't live for yesterday, only live for now
the world's still turning and I'm still existing
And tonight, it's you I'm missing. 
I hate when you yell and tell me you're upset
now that I'm out of control and you're out of set
I don't love you
Well, I wish you good.

-For a particular friend on a particular moody day.

You're dope.

To my bestestfestest friend;

why do I even bother?
you're just lonely and pathetically declined.

I've seen 12 birthdays with you and I love you
"Let's make a wish with these balloons!"

It's her fourteenth, and her usually silent fort is packed with people and cameras flashing and loud music, rhythmically on the walls. Your eyes search the rush of people, for your fragile being of a girl and find her dancing with her bestfriend. Her eyes ablazed with excitement, her hair an unintentional mess pulled into a ponytail. And for a second you realize; to the world, she is loud and brave. But when she's alone with you, she is herself- a quiet, affectionate soul of a young girl, still naive and perfect in her imperfections. She sees you, glides over and pulls you nearer to her and kisses you on the cheek and straightaway you know- she could belong to the world anytime, but she'd really rather be yours now.

Died in a freak accident. 

And save for a pocket of warmth in the darkened past, nothing of you subsists in the hollows and dells of memory, over which if you can stand my style (i'm writing under observation), the sun of my infancy had set: surely, you all know those redolent remnants of day suspended, with the midges, about some hedge in bloom of suddenly entered and transversed by the rambler, at the bottom of a hill, in the summer dusk, a furry warmth, golden midges. But I am no poet. I am only a very conscientious recorder.

Walking in the rain today, pitter patter- ratter tatter. I could feel my cloth bag being soaked, the things inside it- my pencilcase, my 1930s hoodie and my scrapbook- getting wet. So I started running with all the might and little stamina I had. And as if I was named Murphy, some blue van sped past a puddle and- I swear I could've passed off as a fish. Things really do go wrong when they can. 

Fucking vehicle.

The short film we shot on TP campus
"Confrontation"

I've been stuck with threads of last year, and your latest letter
Sayonara Supergirl, and how every memory embeds in the temples
our song resounding in my ears and split momently I realize
your shivers, your body and your glory, discarded fears and unkept tears
frolick the void you drove screwdrivers into my heart.
Last June, the nights on the phone in the dark with neon lights 
singing hero heroine, you took my ghost and injected morphine. Numb.
all that just disappears behind your new persona: so cute, so rad;
so desperate to be star.
throw the songs behind your new skateboard and snap the line of pictures
So lose the attitude and the complete fake accent
and maybe I'll be able to find you.

Yellow phlegm, watery eyes, involuntary headbanging

Yesterday was WeekendTRIP at *scape, The Fire Fight was playing so obviously I dragged myself there though the weather's bipolar disorder was killing my insides. Kenny and Sasa went as well, having those two around is almost like having a broken-radio-duel twentyfour-seven. Kenny got me this super-uper-awesomeest wallet from Accesorize. Of course I picked it out, because it is experimently proven that boys do not have good sense of fashion. Their idea of girl fashion- glitter. Which is screwed so newaez thankeechuu much honnaye for the birthday present :D Met Colleen at *scape with Hilary and Lester. Hilary made me write a ballad so I sat down and thought and in the end wrote her this really cheesyeemoh song which she called "I am uninspired". I want to go to St. Nicks, homework- Write ballads. Lester:" Are you like some proffessional camwhore of some sort?" Me: "NO. I'm a photographer." It wasn't my fault Colleen insisted on taking picture after picture together commenting on how retarded we looked in each one. Ran over to the stage once Fire Fight was about to play and I swear it was the best gig of my life. Because because joshfreakinghotTan dedicated 'hours' to me. He knew my gramps just passed on and it was my birthday in a week so- I almost hyperventilated and collapsed (: Ben loh's idea of a cheap birthday present, according to Josh. But I enjoyed myself last night mega mega tons. Spent the last few minutes of the 15th sitting at the station steps with Kenny, looking for stars and talking about old times and everything. 
And today, I've got a nasty flu. ah-chuuuuuuuuh.